So, You want a Mate from Fandom

cedar and sanford   Hi, My name is Sanford and I won the dating lottery. I’m not telling you this to brag. Well yes I am but, really, to establish my bonafides to write such a post. My fiance is a real Heinlein girl. A writer, artist, and STEM student aiming at becoming a scientist. Not to mention a beautiful, charming redhead who is liked by almost everyone and who, as a relative newbie indie author, gets asked to guest at cons. Like I said, I won the dating lottery.

You really don’t care about that though. Well, if you are a friend of one of us you do, but I’m assuming someone who doesn’t know us might read this. What you care about is how to make magic happen in your own life. I’ve got a few simple steps that will help. Not everything is fool proof, especially when it comes to dating, but these things will make a difference.

Let’s start with your appearance. Good news for both genders. Gentlemen, women’s tastes in male body types vary. Yes, some want a Fabio body, but some want a hairy old teddy bear. Some want a skinny guy, so those on the other side of body dimorphism can get loving too. Really your body type doesn’t matter. The same thing is true for the ladies, not quite in the same way. Male geeks want a woman who wants them. If she has a keen intellect and geeky tastes, there is a male fan for her. Some guys are going to like the huge top you have and never notice that you have some excess baggage below. Others will focus on your hair or eyes or butt. Just like with the guys, it will take a little shopping to find a guy that likes your body type but, you have an advantage. Men in fandom still far outnumber women. That is changing but will be with us long enough. Too long in the eyes of the men.

Now that we have established that your body type is fine, let’s move on to things you can affect, and are much more important. We’ll start with soap and water. A close association with these items is a must. If you have Cheetos in your beard from last week or Doritos from last night caught in your corset, it tends to be seen as a serious negative, even by someone in the same state. More realistically, I hope, a body odor or evidence that you didn’t pay minimal attention to grooming is a turn off. No one likes a filthy partner. This doesn’t mean that you need to shower compulsively but, at least daily. This is especially true at cons. And if you are doing a summer con it is even more imperative. Added thing guys, dig the crud from under your nails at least daily, people might not care if you bite them or they are fragile and ragged. They will care if your talons look like you just dug yourself out of the grave. Zombies are not considered sex symbols you know.

Clothing, another thing you can do something about. Look, you can have your own personal trademark style and rock it. I do. The thing to do is get a mundane of the preferred gender to help you choose what styles and colors look good on you, then stick to it. Careful about sizing though. You might look good in light blue T-shirts but, if the hem doesn’t meet the belt and the bottom of the shirt slides up your beer storage unit folks will not like it. Think comic book guy from the Simpsons ugggh!  The other thing, if you choose to try an individual style is to OWN IT. I wear Hawaiian shirts with a fedora and, because I am comfortable that I look good, I do. If you cannot be supremely confident with your chosen style stick to jeans and geeky tees. They won’t draw attention good or bad. Neutral beats the hell out of bad. Kilts may be cool but, if you cannot sit in one without showing more of yourself than you wish or constantly fidgeting with it, the discomfort will show.

Ladies, I’m not forgetting you. If you have really nice boobs and want to attract people with them, wear something that emphasizes them. This does not mean hang them out in public for everyone to see. It means a neckline to point into the valley a bit, or a nice tight sweater which lets them stand out. The same can be said for every body type. Choose something that emphasizes your good features, without being so blatant that people might mistake you for a professional escort. Unless of course you are cosplaying something like that. Another hint to both genders, covering things up is often more important than what you show. Just like I mentioned the T-shirt rolling up over the beer keg, if you are having a severe outbreak of acne on the chest it is not time for the corset that displays everything. A light shift under the corset to hide the acne at that time can be a blessing to you.

Now that you are presentable for public display, let’s talk about communication. First you must learn an important word: Hello. The most important thing you do in starting a relationship is to actually make contact. I know for most of us this is hard but it is needed. If you never talk to the person, you never learn if you can find something together. What you talk about after hello is less important than the greeting. Start talking and see if you can find some common ground. Honesty is important here. Talk about things that interest you. If the prospective partner doesn’t find anything interesting in what you have to say you aren’t going to go anywhere anyway. This does not mean you have to share all interests but, you do have to share something. If you are a geek, you may be interested in collecting ST Voyager figurines and your prospective mate might be primarily a cosplayer. That isn’t a problem if you both love Zelda or pulp SF. Find out. Note of warning here, if you make the prospective partner uncomfortable, apologize and move on. If he/she is afraid of your overbearing ways, continuing on as you were might result (rightly or wrongly) in a sexual harassment charge. Always consider the other person’s feelings.

Now for the best news of all. Guys, if she is single, she is probably no happier about it than you are. She might not be attracted to you, but she might be,  and probably will be attracted to someone. Getting shot down isn’t really that big a deal. The next one you talk to may be “the one.” Oh and, gals? You have it even easier. You see, geek guys are not used to being asked for anything by ladies. They never learned how to say no 🙂

There you go, the basics. Prepare to not connect and keep trying, perseverance pays off here as much as camping a spawn point.

Happy hunting guys

18 comments on “So, You want a Mate from Fandom

  1. I met the lady who was to become my wife, while I was writing (unpaid) scripts for a little home-spun space opera serial which broadcast every Sunday night on KRCL-FM in Salt Lake City. She wasn’t a card-carrying geek, but she liked geek men who didn’t come on as either desperate or egotistical. The first night we were at the station together, I made her laugh really hard during a bawdy conversation about Star Trek: The Next Generation and holodeck fantasies.

    All else rolled from there.

    22 years later, I thank God for the fact that I met a woman who laughs really hard during bawdy geek talk.

    We wed in 1993, and it was (bar none) the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever. Wouldn’t trade her for silver, nor gold, nor diamonds. She is, quite simply, priceless. A classy lady. With a bit of NSFW twinkle in her eyes.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Humor is important in a relationship. My post for next week literally had Cedar trying to fall off her chair. That is an accolade far above anything else I could receive. Making your partner, no matter how stupid the joke, is one of the true bindings of a good relationship

      Liked by 1 person

      • A sense of humor that matches, effortlessly, is at least in the top ten most important things to share with someone you want to spend your life with. It’s up there with morals and caring attentiveness and shared interests because it’s the mortar that holds the foundation together. A good laugh in the right place can stave off disaster, or cement a bond that will weather the toughest storm life can throw at you.

        Gentlemen, always find out what makes her laugh. Whether it’s tickles or dry wit, bawdy nudge-nudge-wink-wink-saynomore or highbrow comedy of manners, laughter is good for you both. It makes any load seem lighter and any road all too short. Even if it’s just a slight smile in a public place, those laughing eyes will bring you closer to where you want to be.

        That’s not to say you should *never* be serious. There’s a time and place for that, too. Knowing how to treat a lady with courtesy and respect is worth its weight in fissionables. It’s best to be consistent about it.

        It also can set up a pretty good joke, if they aren’t expecting it. *grin*


  2. I can remember exactly the first words I said to the woman who is now my wife. I said “You’re much too pretty to be hiding behind a post, come dance with me.” I knew by the end of that evening she was the one for me. We were married 49 years ago today, and we’re still very happy with one another.


  3. Sanford is right. I can’t speak to actually meeting a girl at a con since the on time that kinda happened to me, I was married… and so was she… and it was a bit difficult to run her off, but umm… I was married and so was she. Talk about uncomfortable.


    The Wise and Powerful Mr. Bagley was of assistance recently in my reaching out to a certain female member of fandom on the internet. I cannot *exactly* call her my girlfriend* I can report that I have enjoyed several hours long conversations with her. She’s pretty awesome. Smart. Funny. Attractive. Interesting. Fun to talk to. But I wouldn’t know any of that if I hadn’t opened my mouth.

    Something else that was brought up that is worth repeating: When you meet a person, you won’t have everything geeky thing you love in common. THAT’S OK. Really. For two reasons: One, you’re an individual. So is the person you just met. Different people like different things. Two: It’s a chance to broaden your horizons. I fully expect to order a box set of the first season of Babylon 5 this weekend. Why? Because SHE likes it and it sounds really cool. Ok, it helps that it’ll be one more thing for us to talk about but that’s not the only reason.

    And yes my friends, I have been turned down before. I’m still here. Being rejected isn’t the best feeling in the world but “No” is a word you have to risk hearing if you want to hear the word “Yes.” That’s just the way it is.

    *At the moment. May be subject to change.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Helpful hint for geek guys: look into some classic manners stuff; you’ve already got the assumption that you’ll be sort of shy, so if you can add “charming” into there you’ve got a major advantage. Earnest is charming, too, as is a desire to be a good friend.

    Look at the characters women often crush on: Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler, Cho Hakkai of Saiyuki… yeah, there’s lots of pretty boys, but there are some who just charm. You’re looking for another geek, so you already have that advantage.

    Part of why I am married to my geeky husband is because he’s charming, and was so happy to share his geeky passions– he was a friend long before he was a romantic possibility. Not so much “you will listen to me!” but really sharing it, being patient, accepting that I really can’t play first-person shooters because the movement makes me feel ill, etc.


  5. Trust me. As I single geek, I drink deep of your wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. […] Continuing the conversation about finding and keeping a mate from here. […]


  7. This is like the parenting class that Child Protective Services makes Homer and Marge take and they’re like “If you leave milk out, it will go bad. Put it in the refrigerator. Or failing that, a cool wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.”
    Except this is without a single trace of tongue-in-cheekness.


    • And there are those who need the lessons at that basic a level. Most are not taught these things except in the dating world of high school. The people this was aimed at were too outcast in high school to learn. As far as the no tongue in cheek? I don’t French those I don’t know

      Liked by 1 person

    • Or perhaps you just missed it. No one else seems to have missed the humor. Besides, having been to cons over the years, Sanford said what a lot of folks need to hear. Don’t believe me? Go read the guidelines issued by many of cons these days. You will find that they tell con goers to remember to do things like sleep, bathe and brush their teeth. For the rest of it, I saw the humor, too bad you missed it.

      Liked by 1 person

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