Jupiter Condescending

William Lehman

Staff Writer


I find that I often disagree with movie reviewers, so while I had seen several reviews of “Jupiter Ascending”, I was prepared to enjoy the movie, especially in 3D. Plus, Science fiction, exploding spaceships, adventure, HEY this is our kind of a movie, RIGHT?
Wrong. The cinematography was amazing. I’m not sure if the story is supposed to take place in the world of “War Hammer 40K” or not, but if not, the artists that designed the set and the big idea man behind the plot line were certainly HEAVILY influenced by the genre. Now that’s not a bad thing, the sets where fantastic, the whole design was a treat to the eyes. The 3d was quite possibly the best rendering I’ve seen, even the scenes where they could have gotten away with 2d (as many films have) where fully rendered, and quite good.
But that’s as far as it went. The acting is OK but not spectacular, if you could turn off your mind and just live in your eyes, this would be a decent movie — but depressingly — the story line makes sure that can’t happen. The plot could be used for a colander. My seventeen year old son was nudging me and asking “Did I fall asleep and miss him asking her, before she said no?” As my son put it, “you could drive Optimus Prime through the plot holes in this thing.”
Oh and then there’s the obligatory to modern Hollywood bit about “all capitalists are evil and would willingly kill everyone in the galaxy to make a buck.” Which 1) is over freaking done already, and 2) by the way it was done puts this show FIRMLY in the SJW, sparkly whohaa crowds camp, to the point that I am surprised that the critics didn’t like it, just for message.


OK, I assume since you’re still reading, that you don’t care about the spoilers, so we’ll continue to discuss the plot, now that those who will go and see it anyway and care about spoilers have left the room.
Chamber maid turned princess (or in this case somewhere between queen and empress) and in love with the guy that saved her butt, who isn’t supposed to be marriage material, is a plot as old as the horse dung on Plato’s sandals and this retelling of it has nothing new, except for the ending… Chamber maid turned Empress, goes back to being chamber maid… for noble, and peoples, and stuff. (Pardon me while I hack up a hairball)
Look, I’m not saying she should have bought into the current regime’s plans, OH HELL NO. But, while staying the empress, go back to living on Earth and cleaning other people’s toilets? PLEEEEAAAASE! The twits that wrote this obviously never cleaned someone else’s toilets… (hey you don’t spend 20 years in the Navy without cleaning a couple shitters, been there done that, not on my list of fun occupations.) The whole thing makes the plots and science of Star Wars episode IV look like it was written by RAH, with science vetted by S. Hawking.
Find the second unit director, and the cinematography boys and give them something WORTH DOING, like oh say The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress, and tell the writers to go clean toilets for a living.


2 comments on “Jupiter Condescending

  1. I’m going to have to disagree, a bit, on the SJW part at least in comparison with some other Hollywood films out lately. Don’t get me wrong, the movie has many, many faults, among them some very heavy-handed themes about power corrupting and ‘evil space nobility’ but I think saying that she went back to her old life to scrub toilets is sort of absurd. She went back for her family (and speaking of toilets, several of her family were turds, but she still cared about them). She also didn’t apparently give up much, if anything, since she gained flying boots, a genetically engineered loverboy, and apparently a lot of wealth which she hadn’t figured out what to do with just yet. The movie didn’t make much sense in general, a product of being in post-production hell for almost a full year due to a bad script and poorly thought out plot, but I think it’s a little unfair to say that they were trying to suggest that it’s better to scrub toilets than go out to the stars… I just don’t think the movie was coherent enough to show what she was going to do, besides frolicking with her grav boots and being with her family.


  2. “all capitalists are evil and would willingly kill everyone in the galaxy to make a buck.” well, to be fair, the idea that aliens would conquer humanity for some nefarious purpose goes all the way back to H. G. Wells’ 1897 novel War of the Worlds. It wasn’t (IIRC) clear exactly why Mars wanted Earth, but clearly some sort of gain for Martians played a key role.


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