One day, in the not-too-distant future. . .
Wian Brilliams reporting from. . . WitchCon
(Camera zooms in on Wian Brilliams on the set of . . .WKOW channel 30, NewsFirst, Madison, Wisconsin. …)
Our breaking news tonight, sports star Brianna Jenner, publicly appears in her new gender, at the annual Feminist Utter Fantasy Convention, WitchCon, held here at Madison’s famed Concourse Hotel. . .
Questions have been raised about the safety of Ms. Jenner, and so we speak with the head of Security at WitchCon, Ms. Ilsa Sandint Watt. Our reporter on the spot, Clelsea Chinton, is on the scene with Ms. Watt:
(Camera cuts to a Furry dressed in a Wolf suit and leather bondage gear)
“Miss Watt, could you describe. . .just a minute, are you dressed as a DOG ??”
“I vill haff you know zat I am no dog, I am OtherKin. I am un powervul Zhe-Vulf, and vill lead mein elite force of Security Sisters zu protect ze Reich, ekskuse me, CON, from ze Untermenschen, I mean ze Cis-gendered Hetero-normative Fascists. . .”
“. . .and the safety of Miss Jenner. . . “
“. . . MIZZZZ Jenner, schweinhund! Vesides, ve need her zu allow un VROPER verformance of ze Vazina Monologues, it requires more than yust vomyn vit vazina privilege !!” Mein Security Schwestern are ze peak of Amazonian development: each vun can dead-liff un tventy-kilo veight mitt zer vazina alone!!!
“Und ve VILL provide un zafe zhpace free of die Jud-, er, men, so zat ve womyn kan diskuzz matterz uff high import. . . .”
“Joo HAFF zeen ze Vazina Monologues, nichtwahr ???
“Well, I’ve never been able to talk my boyfriend to take me to . . .
“BOYFREUND ??? Zat is BADZINK !! ZECURITY!!!
(View tumbles as a group of heavily-muscled Amazons comes into view with billyclubs, an all-female Narn Bat Squad. . . . )
“We seem to have lost our connection to Clelsea, we’ll try again later. . . “
Still, this reminds me of my days as a cub reporter, doing an undercover expose of conditions at Auschwitz. And, hmm. Ms. Watt looks sort of familiar. . .
But this just in, there’s some sort of disturbance at the airport, where Ms. Jenner is reportedly landing. So, now over to our intrepid reporter, Ness Lesmond. . .
(cut to a strangely-familiar reporter from our memories. . . .)
“I’m here with hundreds of . . . . people . . . who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest Transgender event in Madison history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is…
(Ness boggles. . . . )
The… the crowd is uh… well, I’m not quite sure what it is, but it certainly seems well-fed. And I think I hear something now. Uh… The crowd is moving out to the arrivals area. And… oh yes! I can see it now. It’s a… it’s a… small jet, and it’s coming this way!
Wian Brilliams: “A Business Jet ??”
It’s got a logo on it and I can’t quite make it out. It’s a large logo and it says K. . . A. . . R . . . D. . . A. . .S. . .ian! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The jet seems to approaching the arrivals gate now. I guess it’s looking for a place to dock. No! The side door just opened and something just came out of the jet. It’s a large person, perhaps a bodyguard, but no, it’s wearing sunglasses and a bunch of Olympic Medals… MEN’s Olympic Gold Medals, and they’ve got the crowd riled up. . .
The crowd rumbles: ” Inauthentic! House Tranny ! Insufficiently Committed. . . .hey, she’s got an ERECTION! Punish him, girls. . . .”
. . . I can’t tell just yet what they’re doing but… Oh my God! They’re ripping her limb from limb! Oh no! Whiney, can you get this? Oh, the blood is flying right in front of our eyes! And now they’re FEEDING on the remains! This is terrible! Everyone’s running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The women are sending out scouting parties for more man-flesh and ketchup! Folks, I don’t know how much longer… The crowd is running for their lives. I can’t stand here and watch this anymore. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don’t know how much longer I can hold my position here, Whiney. The crowd…
Wian Brilliams: Ness ? Ness? Ness, are you there? Ness isn’t there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Ness. For those of you who’ve just tuned in, the Bruce, I mean Brianna Jenner has just been torn to pieces and eaten.
Which kind of reminds me of my coverage of the Donner Party, I was surprised to find that it DID taste like pork. Film at eleven. This is Wian Brilliams, NewsFirst 30. . . .
(Kanye West strides on to the set)
Wian, I’m-a gonna let you finish, but RuPaul was the best tranny of all time. . . .